I get many questions about my residency. Here is an open journal of my experience. Hopefully this will encourage you to be brave, take life head on and overcome any obstacle.
Sunday (prep day)
This past week was really weird. As I prepared for my first residency which will solidify my research, my emotions and anxiety have been all over the place. I can honestly say while writing this, on the plane, they have only subsided a bit.
I wish I could put my finger on one target area that set me off but I just can’t say.
This journey for my Ph.D has been way more difficult than I expected. It is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I didn’t expect it to be like this and I had honestly rationalized in my head the reasons why it was okay to quit. Take me and my dignity and make a graceful exit.
I always have a hard time taking trips by myself, asserting myself in new environments and really making my presence known. That being said, I anticipated having difficulty coming to this but I feel like this whole week was a battle. So this is the promise I made to myself…just show up…give it your best…see how the week unfolds…DON’T LIMIT GOD. I know things won’t be easy but I do believe I’m prepared for this moment.
Monday (Day 1)
Today I was extremely nervous preparing for my first session. While walking to class, this lady stopped me and said, don’t worry, you will be fine, just remember who you are and what you set out to do. I could have cried. I’m so appreciative that God thought enough of me to send me a reminder. I had another surge of nervousness when we began to think about the research. While walking to grab my second cup of coffee for the day, one of my classmates stopped me and said “Britt are you okay?” I stopped with a puzzled look and simply said yes. She said don’t worry girl! You are brilliant!” I just met this lady today. I finished the rest of my day with confirmation from my professor about my research topic and opening my binder up that I had prepared before hand but worried I wouldn’t need, to all the research I needed to get the foundational work done.
Tuesday(Day 2)
Woke up feeling way more confident today. Not much to share. Everything is falling into alignment and once again encouraged that I’m where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Thanks God.
Wednesday (Day 3)
I woke up exhausted today. That’s how the whole cohort showed up. Regardless of how we felt, we showed up, supported each other and got the work done. 8 hours or computer work, coffee cups and random spurts of conversation and laughter together, I didn’t feel alone. Had dinner with my professor and she is the most amazingly kind professor I’ve had to date (in all of my college career). These days, although long and the beginning, have shown me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel…so I’ll keep chugging along.
Thursday (Day 4)
Today is presentation day. It is the first of many times for the next few years I will present and defend my argument. I’m actually extremely calm about the whole thing.
Pt.2
So I made my presentation. My professor is excited about the research. There are still many research gaps that need to be filled. It will get done in time. This is just one in many steps to approval. In essence, this first year, I’ve just been dipping my toes in the pool but now I dive in.
Friday (Day 5)
Today’s the last day. Nothing major to do today. I have met some amazing folks. People that I consider to be blossoming experts on their research. This week I’ve been encouraged mentally to keep going. I didn’t anticipate it would be like this. So, thanks God! I’m actually very exhausted. I would have loved to say I’m rejuvenated but that’d be a lie. I’m tired and counting down the days to my vacation. All in all, I’m happy I made it to this leg of my journey and so super excited to continue!
I know I have a long road ahead. I have a full year until I even get into my dissertation research (Officially, because the research gathering piece has already started). I know there will be times where I feel like quitting. In life, we all have those moments. One thing that really encouraged my heart was to see women (there was a large population of black women there supporting one another. I was proud to be a part!) gather around each other, even on day one, to uplift them. It was a pat on the shoulder or comforting words. It was the feeling of belonging that even we as adults long for. I can honestly say that I have never felt more in my element and comfortable in my skin, then I did this week.
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