I'm not Okay...

Somehow, I knew you would open this…

yes…YOU

So just keep reading! This is probably the most transparent blog I’ve written to date.

“I’m not okay” a song written by one of my favorite “Neo-soul/R&B” artists H.E.R. and here you are, probably thinking, “where is she going with this”? Well…now it’s story time.

Yesterday I had a “moment”. YOU KNOW…one of those moments where you cry probably harder than you should. The moment where you find yourself alone and in complete tears…yeah, one of those moments! The tough girl with all that “Black Girl Magic” that people rave about said, “What are YOU crying for”, while trying to stop the tears. The vulnerable girl continued to cry out. Having ENOUGH of 2020, how this year has taken its tole one her. I mean just think:

Racism

Death

Disease

Hate

Ignorance

Hurt

Fear

Confusion

And the expectancy to come out of this year having learned a new life long skill, trait or lesson all while trying to navigate this already complex thing called life! Yes, I had had enough!

25-29 year old me struggled with this and didn’t foster my emotions well. Being educated in Psychology and a certified Life Coach, I knew all the right things to do, yet did none. Education just wasn’t enough. In those 4 years of my adulthood I suffered a bout of Shingles (it's not just something that old people get like I thought...it's caused by STRESS), sporadic hair loss (INTERNALIZED STRESS), weight gain (STRESS EATING & LACK OF MOVEMENT) and anxiety attacks. All signs that I wasn’t coping with anything…AT ALL!

Things didn’t suddenly change when I turned 30.I’m still learning and growing and recovering from some of those situations. Trying to find the balance of my life in this crazy world. But one thing I have learned is to allow myself the time to be broken when I am broken. NOBODY is perfect. NOBODY has it all together all the time. So I may not cry often but when I do, I make it count.

Where we as adults mess up is that we don’t allow ourselves those moments. Moments in time for us to fall apart so God can gather us and continue his work. Moments where nothing is perfect but he makes it beautiful anyways. Moments where we admit to the fact that everything isn’t okay and we are hurting...as humans do.

My favorite thing about Jeremiah 29:11

Was that things were not okay. The people were in a place of disparity and reaching for some ray of hope. That is when the 11th verse came about

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The promise that even in your darkest times, God has a plan for you. The times when you have nothing left but tears. His plan is still the same. The times were you’re just not okay, his purpose is still set to unfold. So rest knowing that things may not be okay right now but all things work together. That’s a promise from the Lord.

It doesn’t mean tears won’t fall. Because mine still do. But they fall, I take my moment of release and while I release, I give it to god. Along with my frustrations, anger, questions and the lack of ability to comprehend his plan.

So if you, like me, have had a moment lately or need to take your moment…know that you still have the ability to rise with your head held high. God is still good. Reach out to people when you need to, even if it’s to me. God still has a plan.